Care to hear how I got interested in being taken in hand?
Well, we'll have to go back a few years. Jim (my husband of ten years) and I had obtained the all-American dream: a house all our own in which to raise our little boy and little girl. Jim was working in construction and I had just landed my dream job in a very male-oriented industry, and I've been plugging away at it for about eight years.
THEN, three months after I start my dream job, I got pregnant! Big, big, unexpected surprise! And although the timing wasn't great, we believed that there was a reason this baby wanted to be part of our family.
Then 9-11 happened and the economy went all to hell. Jim wasn't working much at all and there were layoffs where I worked too. I can't say for sure, but being seven months pregnant probably saved my job. Our daughter was born in January and since Jim wasn't working, it made sense that he'd just stay home with our three kids instead of shelling out over $200 a week on daycare.
Do you think a dominant man is appealing? Just give a man who absolutely adores his children a try! Jim was a great stay-at-home dad. I remember once I heard him singing our baby to sleep. He was singing the A-B-C song. Later, I asked him why he didn't sing a lullaby and he said, “Well, I know all the words to the A-B-C song.”
Well, things were humming along just fine, but as any stay-at-home parent can tell you: You've Got To Get Out Of The House Sometime! And in Jim's case, he needed a challenge too. So he decided to go back to night school and learn to be a massage therapist. He graduated with honors last October. THEN – last November, I got my pink slip.
It was in December, just after Christmas, that Jim sat me down and tried to explain to me again that I am not letting my family down. It wasn't my fault I lost my job. I needed to stop trying to control everything! And he didn't understand why I wouldn't/couldn't just trust him to provide for us. I think that because I was the sole provider for our family for two years, I'd taken on a very dominant role. (Let me be quite clear here, I was never dominant in respect to Jim personally – just dominant in respect to the household functions.)
Suddenly losing my salary made me realize that I didn't have a clue where I stood in our family dynamics any more. That's what made me start investigating being taken in hand. It was like therapy in a way. I felt tons of guilt and I knew I had to find a way to quit punishing myself. I found the Loveawake website and have positively devoured it. I kept reading for a couple of months, wondering if I could really let go and be submissive.
It was just a few weeks ago that I pointed out the Loveawake dating website to Jim. I told him to read it and let me know what he thinks. Then I waited. And waited. And waited, and the next time I noticed that he was on the computer, playing a stupid computer game, I sarcastically pointed out to him that if he has time to do that, maybe he could check out the Loveawake dating website.
Guess what? He shut down. Ignored me and dodged any references I made to whether or not he'd taken a look yet? (Huh – I wonder why?!) Ugh! What to do? Why wasn't he interested in something that I was really interested in discussing?
Back to the computer, reading some more, when I stumbled across many articles which gave advice on how to introduce this sort of relationship to your partner. One suggested that telling your husband to do this probably isn't the best way to show that you want to be submissive. Duh!
So I made a personal decision to just go ahead and be submissive. I figured it was a good plan. This way if I didn't like it I could quit without any punishment involved. Well – let me tell you – my husband noticed a change almost immediately! He asked why I was so agreeable at one point and I flat out told him, “I'm being submissive to you. I'd like it if you'd check out that website I told you about and maybe we could discuss this more later.”
This time, he did go look it up and read a bit. And he tested my submissiveness a couple of times before he finally said, “You know, you do seem a lot happier!” He was right too. It was freeing and peaceful to just let go and trust him.
After a week or so we sat down and talked. I told him that I agreed with a lot of what I was reading. He said he could understand why I liked what I was learning, because what he discovered – and then proceeded to point out to me – is that we already have this sort of relationship, but without spankings. He pointed out how many different ways he's dominant and I'm submissive – already (I cook his favourites; I perform any small errands he needs me to do; I rarely, if ever, deny him sex, etc.) And he went on to describe our marriage as a ship: he's the captain and I'm first mate. (I know he loved the pun on “mate”.) And if the first mate doesn't carry out the orders of the captain then it's hard to keep the ship sailing. Similarly, if the captain doesn't listen to the first mate about the situations on the ship, he can't issue any orders effectively. (It's hard to write about his comparison, and I know I'm not writing it nearly as well as he explained it, but I did understand – which is what counts.)
He said if I wanted him to really take everything over, he'd certainly comply – he had no problem with that. And at one point, during our talk, he did mention that if I'd like to keep making the effort not to fight him on certain things – obey just a little more – well, than that would be great!
So I did tell him that relinquishing control over our finances (which is always an issue of distress in our relationship) was something I needed to do. I also told him that I'd really try to listen to him, respect him and obey him more. And I asked for his help in my never-ending diet and exercise quest (which is something I have never done before). I'm so happy to report that he stepped right up to the plate, and started asking about our current bills, when paychecks come in and all about our present budget. Plus he's got some great ideas of some new ways to get me out walking more. (One in particular: he wants to drop me off so many miles from home in the mornings, on his way to work, so he knows I'll have to walk those miles to get back home.)
And just because I had to know why he wasn't interested in spanking me, I asked and he answered that he respects me too much to raise his hand to me, but if ever I act so poorly as to lose his respect, he said, “it's good to know that that option is there.”
Just wanted to comment that in our relationship, we too have been through times where one of us has been out of work for a long period of time. I was the first to lose my job and was unemployed 5 months. I felt desperate both to get back to work fearing that I wasn't "doing my bit" by paying my share of the household bills but my biggest fear was losing my partner's respect. I took comfort in the fact that I had savings and lived off these during this time. I took pride in the fact that I never asked him for any financial help at all but hated myself for not being good enough to be able to get another job quickly and using all my savings on day to day living expenses. My biggest fear was that he would lose repsect for me because I wasn't working. We never spoke about this together; my feelings remained bottled up and I suppose he thought I was coping well because he never offered any financial help to me during that time.
Recently I got back into work but 3 weeks after I did, he lost his job and has now been unemployed for 5 months. As he has no savings, I am taking over the finances until he gets back into work plus giving him the emotional support he needs to help him find work again. At no one time I have ever lost respect for him and now realise that my biggest fear was probably the most stupidest. I still see him as HOH (head of the household) and that's the way I want it.